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PM Scott Morrison: ‘Sure, fuck it. Go outside.’

James Davis

Careers Commentator
The prime minister recently made some controversial statements regarding the coronavirus and the state of our nation.
A wide shot of Parliament House.

The PM recently implored Australians to be considerate of COVID-19, widely known as the ‘coronavirus’. 

‘Practicing good hygiene and keeping a healthy distance between individuals is not only inconsiderate, but downright disrespectful to the virus’, PM Scott Morrison said during a Tuesday address. 

‘Spreading it has widespread economic benefits. It just wants to help.’

The PM alluded to similar economic boons throughout history, citing the 541-542 AD Plague of Justinian and Bubonic Plague of 1347 as favourable case studies in ‘pandeconomics’. 

‘It not only makes sense - it makes cents’, the PM insisted. ‘Overpopulation hurts Australian wallets.’

The announcement was followed by widespread trips to the beach, lavish disease-spreading parties and social media toilet-licking challenges, contributing to people in their twenties gaining the highest number of confirmed cases among all age groups. There was a 19% uptick in cases within 48 hours - that’s 562 easily preventable new cases.
Role-models like Geelong footy club vice-captain Mark Blicavs have led the charge with parties even prior to the announcement, setting a positive example for Australian young people unsure how best to spread the virus. When asked for comment, Geelong coach Chris Scott rightfully dismissed criticism of his vice-captain. ‘Sometimes decisions are going to be made that in the fullness of time end up being analysed as errors’, he said. 

‘We just had a couple of drinks here it was all good’, Mr Blicavs later commented. 

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But Aussie heroes aren’t the only ones leading the way. Some churches have continued gathering, such as the Church of Christ at Ryde Civic Centre, NSW, which had an additional seven people become infected in a single service, with the other 300 attendees being asked by local authorities to keep up the good work. 

‘Never have I seen Australians come together quite like this’, Mr Morrison said from an armoured car the following morning. ‘I am so proud of how seriously our nation is taking our government’s announcement.’

The PM’s message has been heard across the world. 20 international cruise ships, including the Costa Victoria, continued hosting hundreds of passengers each.
Major cruise ports like Port Everglades in Florida, USA, shirked warnings from authorities that 50,000 passengers may have been in contact with infected dock workers in mid-March. Even prior to the PM’s announcement, over-achievers like the Diamond Princess managed to grow 10 cases into 700

The government itself has paid careful attention to its own advice. Thousands of APS personnel have been denied the right to work from home and remain in close proximity. Services Australia, which employs over 27,000 people alone, had anonymous whistleblowers speak out in fear of their health in light of these conditions. This is still the case as of March 27th. The Australian Public Service Commission has since forbade government agencies from answering media questions. 

‘We understand that some of you are scared’, Mr Morrision said in a follow-up conference from a balcony in his villa. ‘Just think of the economy.’ 

Please stay safe - read the most recent government health alert here. For the latest in advice, student reviews, scholarships and university courses around Australia, sign up for free here on The Uni Guide.