All the Secret Crimes A Uni Student Will Never Admit To

Vanessa Tobias
Team GradAustralia

Being a uni student is a, um, an interesting time in our lives. Firstly, I blame our parents for having us and putting us in this world without even consulting us. I mean, did we get a say in the matter? And now apparently, we have to head out in the big bad world and find a career to support ourselves and we also didn’t ask for that responsibility either. What a stitch up! Anyway. Uni and stuff. Well since we’ve accepted our fate and we’re here, in our first year (I know it rhymes. I’m good at the words and stuff) these are all the things that we do in our first year of uni. Behold fam, these are all the secret crimes of the first year uni student we'll never admit to.

Being a Terrible Flatmate

I myself earned me the nickname of “Never Look Back” (amongst other things I can't mention in a PG rated article) in my sharehouse because I’d leave something like my clothes or my dignity somewhere completely random, wander off and wait for it.....Never look back. I once found the remote in the fridge, I’m not even kidding and that was the one day I was actually sober. Mainly because I have the attention span of a drunk two-year-old and I’d literally forget what I’m doing two seconds after I do it. Fun times.

We’re all guilty of being a really shitty flatmate, especially at uni when it’s likely we’re sharing for the first time and we’re selfish little twats that think the world revolves around us. Whether it’s eating your flatties leftovers (guilty), drunkenly having loud sex (also guilty-  unless my parents are reading this and if that’s the case I’m still a virgin, dad) or whatever terrible thing you’ve done or are still doing, we’ve all been a terrible flatmate at some stage.

Totally Winging An Exam

We’ve all totally winged an exam at one point. Perhaps you were kicking arse in a beer pong game at a lit party when you suddenly remembered the exam you had in the morning, or you were well aware it was coming but dug your head in the sand because you were about to have a mental breakdown and couldn’t deal with it anymore (my personal go-to move) or you figured instead of preparing for your exam that the answers would magically appear to you, we’ve all completing winged one at some point. Clearly, I don’t learn lessons because I’m still completely winging every thing I do and every important decision in life I make so far but I think things are going ok (Narrator in the background- "Things are definitely not going ok").

Going to Hell Over an Excuse You Made For An Extension

Hey, I’m not judging. I’ve been there. More than once. Ok several times, but I’m a terrible human so there’s that.  But whether you pulled at the heart strings off your professor by making up a story about a sick family member, or you went to Dr. Google and diagnosed your headache into stage 3 cancer or you have no soul and claimed the death of a family member and your need to have time to grieve, we’ve all used a deplorable excuse to get an extension on an assessment or for our lack of attendance in class. I'm not saying it's right and y'all need Jesus, but we've all done it.

Turned Up Still Drunk

Personally, I think you should high five yourself for showing up in the first place when clearly it would have been easier to pass out on your bed using last night's pizza as a pillow, so look at you. You’re a full grown adult now. I think? Or the opposite. I don’t know. Why would you listen to anything I say any way? You people are nuts.

Anyhoo, whether you’ve had too many sherbert’s the night before, or started the day with a students right to breakfast beers, or couldn’t face that particular lecture without a fireball shot we’ve all showed up to an exam or lecture still turnt. You might have stumbled in directly from your walk of shame or without a shower for a couple of days too but hey, you might as well go big or go home! #respect.


Let Your Diet Go To Shit

Look I’m not saying I’m anti-vegetables, especially those hidden in my Chinese takeaway, but Homer Simpson did have a point when he said: “you don’t make friends with salad”. And even if our body is a temple (mine’s Buddha’s by the way) our student budget barely allows to eat in the first place let alone organic or paleo or anything over the two dollar per meal mark.

Breakfast? Last night's leftover pizza (or last weeks but who am I to judge) will hit the spot nicely. Lunch, also last nights left over pizza.  And dinner.  Well two beers because if you do the maths there’s a bread roll in every beer, so two beers it is. Or five. Or whatever. Once again I’m not judging.

This article was originally published on GradAustralia.